Liam, one of my six precocious grandsons, lost his first tooth yesterday, According to his squeamish mother, while in the bathtub fiddling with the tooth that was holding on by a hair, the sucker finally let go. Liam was ecstatic; his mother, ready to puke. But I'll save her story for another Monday.
After showing everybody in the family not only the tooth, but the cavernous hole that remained, he diligently placed it under his pillow. By 8:30p.m. Liam was fast asleep and the tooth fairy made her way through the heavens to claim and pay up for yet another coveted acquisition.
I wonder if any of these toothless kids ever think for one minute about what the fairy actually does with all the rotten teeth she collects from virtually every household in the world!
Liam awakened unusually earlier today and, of course, lifted his pillow with reckless abandon. Lo and behold! Two crisp one dollar bills were there for the taking. Without any thought as to whether or not such a steep price for one measley tooth could have devastating consequences for the generous tooth fairy, Liam ran through the house shouting joyously that he was now a rich man! Brings to mind another famous person in storytelling lore by the name of Ebenezer!
In 1949 I lost my first tooth. I can't say I remember exactly what the circumstances were, but I do know what the tooth fairy paid me. Ten cents, a mere pitance compared to today's standards. That's an increase of 2000% over 65 years! At this rate, the poor tooth fairy will undoubtedly have to file for bankruptcy within the next day or two. She'll now be penniless, her home in foreclosure, and find herself out on the streets without promise or pension. After all the years bringing surprise and happiness to so many youngsters, the tooth fairy will be alone and broke.
Will anybody give a damn? Actually there are two entities that will be concerned. Namely, the IRS and the children who have yet to experience the lost of their first tooth.
The government will be looking into the tooth fairy's tax filings for over the past 100 years or so. Since I'm quite sure she's never even heard of the April 15th deadline, chances are her fines are going to be in the millions plus a stint in the pokey! Not paying taxes is a crime, tooth fairy, and if you do the crime, you'll have to do the time!
And as far as the kids go, lifting their pillows only to discover the absence of any sort of monetary gain for such an irreplaceable keepsake, their belief in the legendary fairy will be dashed forever! Sadly, Liam's two younger brothers will never experience the joy of being rich courtesy of the infamously bankrupt tooth fairy.
Bah humbub, tooth fairy! Oh, sorry, that's the other guy!