Monday, November 17, 2014

Christmas, BAH, HUMBUG!

According to my calculations, Black Friday SHOULD be on November 28 this year. But au contrair my friends. Leaks of the Black Friday's circulars from every major store have been abounding for the past three weeks. Not only that, but you can get Black Friday online specials as we speak.

Right after if not before the turkey has been devoured, stores will be opened at 6:00p.m. and remain so round the clock until the weekend is officiallly over. There are Thursday sales, Black Friday events, and of course, Cyber Monday phnomenal prices online.

Now if all of this hasn't caused your anxiety levels to go through the roof,  try to compare prices on those items your family members MUST HAVE this holiday. Every store claims they have the lowest prices yet when you check them out, most are the same as their competitors, and in some cases even higher.

 Free shipping is dangled in front of your weary eyes, but that too, comes with a hitch. You've got to spend a certain amount BEFORE free shipping can be attained. I think the only store to give free shipping no matter what your total happens to be is Target. Now I don't work for Target or own stock in the company, I'm just giving you the benefit of my long, frustration search at not cost!

So on and on it goes: searching, comparing, purchasing, exchanging only to find out a week before Christmas that your three year old grandson doesn't want Thomas the Train escape from the avalanche set any more! You throw your hands in the air and begin the process all over again. But most of the hot items no longer grace the shelves and are out of stock online. If in fact you do find his new obsession, you'll have to pay through the nose to purchase it.

When all is said and done and the presents are wrapping and piled under the glowing lights of the beautifully-decorated fir tree, you can finally breath a deserved sigh of relief.

As the family gathers, you distribute the gifts with a certain pride and feeling of accomplishment. Within minutes the wrappings are ripped off, the boxes are opened, a few words of appreciation are mumbled, and a number of disappointed statements are articulated very distinctly. The adults are a little more discreet in their comments, but the kids tell it like it is. "This isn't what I wanted," or "he got more than I did," or "This thing is stupid!" rings through your ears like the scratching of finger nails on a chalkboard.

After tossing their MUST HAVE gifts to the side, the kids don their winter gear and head out to sled ride without even so much as a backward glance at all your hard work and effort you've extented to make their dreams come true.

Need I go on? I don't think there's anything more to be said except, now everybody say it with me,

Monday, November 10, 2014


The article about the zomBEES in my morning paper just blew me away. It seems that parasitic flies, the A. borealis are injecting worker bees with their eggs. When the larvae emerge, they feast on the insides of the bees, leaving them lifeless, only their shells remaining.

This got me thinking about last week's elections. Months before any votes were cast, political wanna-Bees were injecting us, the workers in this country, with their idealistic eggs of change. A vote for them was a vote for our economic and educational advancement. If they were victorious, naturally our lives would reap an abundance of wealth and knowledge. Seemed like a win-win situation for everybody!

But before we start banking our windfall and spouting words of wisdom, we'd better wait until the newly-elected larvae hatch. And you can bet your bottom dollar, it won't be long before these worms begin eating away at our income and our hopes for a smarter America.

Political promises are easily made, but rarely kept. Politicians can and will say anything to get our votes. Unfortunately once elected, they develop a severe case of amnesia usually lasting throughout their tenure. The only vow they seem to embrace is the one that puts power in their hands and money in their pockets.

How could we have been so dumb to have been taken in by these parasites? The answer is relatively easy. Since July we've been bombarded with media ads defaming the characters and actions of the men and women running for office. As the elections drew nearer, the ads grew in number and the nastiness. As time went on, we became zombies regarding these false claims. We saw them with our eyes, but became devoid of thought and resolution. The candidates we viewed more often, were the ones that would ultimately get our votes.

Little if any change will occur. Promises of jobs will be forgotten, taxes for education will rise, but won't be spent on our children, and our trust in the political process will again be compromised.

The insatiblity of the elected larvae will gnaw away at our insides until they've fully engorged themselves. And once again, we'll be left lifeless of hope, only shells of our former selves.

We've become ZOMBEES! And we have nobody to blame but ourselves!

Monday, November 3, 2014


So one of those Facebook tests popped up yesterday. I enjoy taking them to see what kind of dog I am, what my quick IQ is, what kind of mother I am, etc. The title of this one was How good is your sense of humor?

The test was comprised of 16 questions. My job was to determine which were funny and which were not. I'm not going to disclose any of the queries because I don't want to give you a heads-up if you should decide to try this one. I have to say a few were tricky, but for my part I thought most were hilarious.

Drum roll, please!  My score was, are you ready for this?  You sure?  Okay, the score for how good my sense of humor is was 99.9%. Oh, yeah, baby, a freakin .001 degree off from PERFECT!

So you think just being in my presence will tickle your belly and make your ribs hurt? Certainly!

So you can't believe somebody is that funny and if by chance they were, so why aren't they doing comedy for a living?  I am, I'm just NOT GETTING PAID FOR IT!

Having a great sense of humor has so many benefits to mind, body, and soul. At age 70, my mind is always churning, finding the 'funny' in everything no matter how serious the topic. When my father-in-law was laid out in the funeral home, I questioned why he was giving us the 'cold shoulder'!

So I'm a little overweight. If I don't care, WHY IN THE HELL SHOULD YOU? I can do most everything I could do 50 years ago except run as fast and do the split. Actually I wasn't very fast then either, and I COULDN'T DO A SPLIT even if there had been a sizable payout involved!

Oh, boy, and has my soul ever benefited from being blessed with a great sense of humor! I'm Catholic yet I'm so happy in spirit that going to confession has been OUT OF THE QUESTION for twenty years! If I'm a sinner, THAT'S NEWS TO ME. I speak no evil and hear no evil. As far as seeing any evil, well other than admitting to watching a little hanky-panky once in a while, I just KEEP MY EYES CLOSES if evil comes a knocking!

A sense of humor is a blessing. If you've been given this talent, you're expected to use it. Making people laugh restores their positive energies and keeps them healthy. Making people laugh does exactly the same thing for the humorist.

Playing the fool isn't for everybody. After all, if everybody had a 'funny bone', whom would I be able to make fun of? Serious folks provide folks like me with a treasure load of one liners on a daily basis.Thanks, TIGHT ASSES, I truly appreciate you!

How good is your sense of humor? didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. The things that come out of my mouth are never scripted, they just pop out of my inner self unfiltered. I never intend to insult or embarrass anybody, but it what I say comes across negatively I don't apologize. Again, it's not because I'm mean, it's because I am who I am, FUNNY, VERY FUNNY!

I think the test got it wrong though, 99.9% humorous? If I'm not 100% FUNNY which I know for a fact that I am, then I'm not funny at all!