Monday, April 15, 2013

I'm Off!

Today is the day I take off for Charlotte. Our 7th grandbaby is due in a few days and I've always been there to help out for the first weeks of each one of their tender lives. I'm so blessed and honored to be asked to come and lend a hand. Of course, if I wasn't asked, I'd probably just barge in and get to work anyway. My immediate problem however is the flying. No, I do not have a fear of flying; I actually love to fly. But, I've always flown on a jet with about 100 or so of my newfound friends. Today I'm going into the wild blue yonder on a puddle jumper first to Cleveland and then board a second "tin can" as I like to call this type of aircraft, to Charlotte. Since I don't have any experience on a puddle jumper, I can only go by what I've been told. You'll bounce around like a rubber ball; you'll want to upchuck the whole time; you'll be so scared you'll pee yourself; you'll think crashing into the ocean would actually be quite refreshing after about 10 minutes of the flight! These are only the most positive comments about puddle jumpers I've heard. Believe me, you don't want to hear the negative ones. So I'm left to my own devices. This morning I had a long talk with Shadow, my dearest friend of 10 years now. I told her how much our relationship has meant to me and promised Papap would take care of her if anything happened. She just stared at me, hopped off my lap and went behind the couch for her usual morning nap. I take these actions as her way of dealing with the pain she undoubtedly is feeling as I prepare to go on my month-long hiatus. Next, I turn to my hubby for some needed assurance and comfort. His idea of relieving my anxiety is to tell me about the cargo planes he flew while in the service of our country. According to him, my journey will be a piece of cake to anything he had to endure. I had no idea how much he suffered sitting on benches in the cargo pits with fellow crewmen smoking cigarettes, telling off-color jokes, and discussing where they would go on their next weekend leave. I'm ashamed I even brought up the subject of flying today given his traumatic, life-threatening experiences. So, in a few hours I'll be off dragging my 80lb. suitcase behind me, toting my 25lb.laptop/purse on my sagging right shoulder, taking 5 or 6 of my anti-anxiety pills, pulling up my bootstraps, grabbing 2 or 3 barf bags, buckling my seatbelt, if there is one, closing my eyes and taking off into the wild blue yonder, not once, but twice until we land, I'm hoping, safely in Charlotte. But, to be there for the birth of my 7th grandbaby, I'd endure much, much worse any time, any day. After all, I'm Off! In more ways than one, right?

Monday, April 8, 2013

How Small Can A Toilet Hole Be?

Since I'm due to fly to Carolina next Monday to help out with grandbaby #7, the article in today's paper regarding the overbooking, overcrowding, and overcharging by airlines caught my eye. If, when I get to the airport,  my seat isn't my seat, there will be holy hell to pay.  I get extremely loud and extremely foul-mouthed when I'm angry.

 I got a good deal on my ticket so overcharging isn't an issue unless baggage charges are excessive.

The real concern for me is the overcrowding.  According to the paper, a plane that typically held 120 people now accommodates 150 people.  To do this, the seats are being made smaller and smaller while the rears of Americans get larger and larger. Since I've been dieting for awhile now, I can proudly say that my backside will fit quite nicely in the smaller accommodations.  But, even so, being smashed together like a can of sardines doesn't conjure up my idea of a pleasant flight.  And, like sardines, one must wonder about smell-control.  Ever sit next to someone on a plane that hasn't showered in awhile?  Plus, the added weight to the plane scares me.  How much tonnage can actually ride the skies before enough is just too much?  Freefalling over Charlotte isn't exactly the way I'd planned to make my entrance although it would be a remarkable one if I do say so myself!

Perhaps the most disconcerting element of overcrowding is making the plane's bathroom much smaller than it already is. A smaller restroom means more available passenger seating. Come on, people, so when you have to go, once you've navigated the long line of "goers" and finally get the green light to enter, you'll be in for the most claustrophobic experience of a lifetime.  Perhaps the most panicky panic attack of your entire neurotic history. 

And, how small can they make an already miniscule toilet hole?  Most normal-sized asses barely fit on today's airplane toilets.  Now reduce the size of the toilet hole to the size of a donut hole?  Where do you think all that shit is going to land?  On the floor, silly.  So, not only will we have to wipe ourselves with the sandpaper provided, but we'll need to make an attempt to clean up the floor as well. And, what about the feces on our shoes?  The hell with that.  Most of us will just wash our hands and track the shoe shit through the aisles of the plane.  The shoe shit smell will add to the already existing body odor of the unshowered.  People will inevitably be overcome by the stench and begin to vomit or faint or both.  More money will be spent for more barf bags, clean-up maintenance, and medical staff will be a necessity on every flight.

Are you getting the picture?  More importantly, do the airline bigwigs get it?  Stop trying to squeeze more people on your planes so you can squeeze more moolah into your pockets!  You don't need the problems that this shit will definitely cause, do you?

I'm looking forward to my Charlotte trip.  I hope the restroom specs are still the same as when I flew there a few years ago!  If not, I promise you, some shit will fly!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Down with processed sugar!

Today is the Monday after Easter.  My brain is muddled beyond belief.  I don't know what else to attribute this dysfunction to except the sugary junk I inhaled this past weekend.  Usually I'm a clear-thinking, wise old broad who goes about life in an organized, decisive fashion.  Today I'm still in my pajamas at 1:01pm and don't have a clue as to what I'll do for the rest of the day.  Maybe read, clean out a closet, walk the dog, nap.... I can't seem to choose or even move for that matter.

I have read that processed sugar is bad for you.  I've been told countless times by my older daughter about the negative effects it has on the brain.  She begs me not to give her children sugar in any form.  Up until this moment, I've always thought her to be obsessive in this regard.  But now I'm thinking she might be on to something.

So listen up!  I know processed sugar is in just about everything we eat. The best we can do is limit the amount of packaged food we ingest per day.  Try eating fruits and vegetables that contain natural sugars more often.  Find creative ways to present them so you and your children will become addicted to what's healthy as opposed to what isn't.

I know you've heard this a gazillion times; I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.  But judging from the way I feel today, I'm concerned about the children going to school after a breakfast of donuts and soda.  Imagine the confusion going on in their little brains.  No wonder their reading comprehension skills are so low.  How can they deal with mathematical equations when their thought processes are so jumbled.  They can't, and through no fault of their own I might add.

Seriously, even though I feel like I have a hang-over without ever imbibing any alcohol, the negativity of the sugar effect is real.  I got a wake-up call today that can't be ignored.  Rethink what you and your children are eating these days. It could very well be the first step in changing the rest of your lives in a very positive way.

Down with processed sugar!