Two weeks ago I discovered I'd run out of multivitamins, the gummy kind. Since I started taking two of these drops every morning for over a year, I've been cold and flu free. So naturally I didn't hesitate to make a trip to the local Wal-Mart for the sole purpose of replenishing my supply.
For ten days I faithfully unscrewed the top off the bottle, chose one red and one purple sugar-dusted vitamin, and dutifully chewed and swallowed them. For some unknown reason on the eleventh day, I decided to look at the front of the bottle.
Instantly my heart began racing uncontrollably and my eyes bugged out of their sockets! I hurled the bottle across the room like it was possessed! On the label in huge blue lettering were the words; Complete Multivitamin for MEN!
"Oh, Lordy, WHAT HAVE I DONE!" I yelled over and over again as I leapt up the stairs heading to the nearest bathroom. How could this be happening?
The fear I experienced was overwhelming, but as they say, the only thing stopping us from overcoming fear is fear itself. Horrible images exploded in my brain but I had to be brave.
Standing in front of the sink, I slowly raised my eyes to meet the gruesome image I was sure would be scowling back at me in the mirror. Assuredly those testosterone-packed, iron and zinc filled gum drops had reeked havoc on the amount of facial hair I was now cursed with. I was prepared to see a squirrelly-looking tail under my nose and a dirty mop of beard hanging from my chin. I had no doubt that my eyebrows resembled two furry caterpillars crawling across my forehead. Most likely I had assumed the visage of the hideous Werewolf of Old.
But except for the few stray, black hairs that had dotted my chin since going through the big C, much to my surprise, no other facial growth was evident. I'd certainly dodged the bullet on that one!
With trepidation, I raised both arms to inspect my pits. If gigantic nests of snarly hair were present, at least I could shave daily, even multiple times if necessary. However, once again, the Complete Multivitamin for MEN had failed in its mission. All I could see was a single, whitish strand lazily swaying in each pit. Who knows when they actually appeared and how long they'd intended on staying. I hadn't shaved under my arms in decades!
Whew, two points for me and zero for testosterone-packed gummies!
I was winning this battle yet still felt uneasy. I had to test my voice. If when singing 'You Are My Sunshine' I morphed from soprano to baritone, the vitamins I'd ingested for ten days had succeeded in grossly altering my femininity. Admittedly my female prowess has taken a huge hit over the past twenty years. After all, at 70, my curves have developed into mountainous, bumpy highways and my once baby-smooth skin has seen its fair share of roadwork.
As I belted out the song I'd learned at my mother's knee, I was amazed to hear the high-pitched tone of ... a woman! Yes, it was shrill, even somewhat screechy, okay a lot screechy, but nevertheless, recognizably female.
Three points for me, I WIN!
Finally I was convinced that no harm had come to me by taking Complete Multivitamin for MEN for a ten day period. Yet upon returning to the livingroom, I was compelled to compare its contents with the Complete Multivitamin for WOMEN I'd purchased as a BOGO deal on that fateful trip to the local Wal-Mart.
Oh, Lordy, you won't believe this, but the only differences in both bottles were a little more Vitamin D for women, a little more Vitamin B-6 for men, no zinc or lycopene for women, and no calcium for men!
Oh, Lordy, what have I done! MADE A COMPLETE FOOL OF MYSELF, THAT'S WHAT!!!!!!!!!
Pattern baldness, I forgot to check for PATTERN BALDNESS!!!!!!!!