Monday, December 8, 2014

Happy Hawaiian Christmas

From the title of this post, you'd probably think I'm in the Pacific sipping pineapple margaritas and nibbling on the nuts I love but can't remember what they're called. Well you'd be wrong. I'm actually in my living room about to go on a bus excursion to Latrobe, PA for an early lunch and a Hawaiian Christmas show. Since most of the people going are seniors, early lunch is mandatory. Oh, macadamians, that's what they're called. Not sure of the spelling at the moment though, but if you give me a while I'm sure I'll remember.

Don't know what's on the menu, however I'm looking forward to lunch. When you're my age, you'll eat anything that's put in front of you. If and when I'm carted off to a nursing home, I'll be a model resident. Clean my food tray, hold my bowels until I'm on the potty, and nap away the afternoon. After dinner, I'll repeat this sequence and be good til morning.

Oh yeah, the Christmas show. With it being a two hour performance, I hope it's loud and energetic. If not, a lot of the audience will either be taking a number of bathroom breaks or nodding off periodically. We're not rude, well not as often as you might imagine, but we're easily bored. Loud and energetic keeps us focused and engaged.

I hear there are going to be topless men girating around on stage with fire in their eyes and in their hands. Sounds like a party to me! Oh, I suppose there will be women, too, but I really don't care what they'll be doing. I'm not positive, but I doubt they'll be topless. Even if they were, I really wouldn't be watching them except maybe to see if any are more endowed than yours truly. Actually most women are more endowed than yours truly, but that's what padded bras are for, right?

Once the show is over, our group is going to some kind of cafe for hot chocolate and a potty break. That should take at least an hour or so. Forty seniors going to pee eats up a ton of time. Just pulling our pants up and down requires the eye-hand coordination we're somewhat lacking in now. Hey, when we were in our prime, pulling our pants up and down was a cinch. Maybe because we did it frequently and NOT JUST TO GO TO THE POTTY!

Our last stop is at the Overly Christmas lights display. We'll oooo and aaaaaaaah from the bus and then be dumped off to mill around on our own for another hour or so. I don't know what the tour director is thinking, but letting forty seniors wander around by themselves in a huge, unfamiliar area is MADNESS! Hey, I'm not the one that's going to be responsible for rounding them up, so I really don't give a damn!

If we all make it home and at this point it's questionable, we'll have had a great day and night of holiday cheer. At least that's what we'll tell everybody. Can't really say that we'll remember the entire sequence of events, but assuredly we'll know we had lunch and how many times we went to potty!

Happy Hawaiian Christmas, aloha!