Monday, December 30, 2013

Nothing COMMON About A Damn Cold!

Every year shortly after Christmas I come down with a cold.  First my throat begins to hurt. Next I start sneezing.  Not just a sneeze here and a sneeze there.  Oh, no, a damn sneeze every where!  And not just one sneeze.  Yesterday I sneezed eighteen times in a row.  I  counted them!

Then my nose starts to run.  Clear substance drips without warning out of my nostrils.  At first, out of only one, but then both take turns.  After that, one nostril gets all stuffy.  I can't breathe normally.  In an hour or so, both nostrils are stuffed and I'm only breathing through my mouth now. Naturally my mouth gets dry so I drink whatever will moisten it.  Because of all the liquid, I need to go to the bathroom constantly. And I mean CONSTANTLY!

Oh, and did I mention the coughing?  It begins with an occasional hack.  Then a more pronounced hack.  From that it develops into a full-blown, elongated wheezing hack that shakes my whole body. Those kind make my head throb.

Back to the nose problem.  Now the substance I'm trying to blow out is thick mucous the shade of a motley yellow-green mix.  I say trying because it just doesn't come out with the normal nose-blowing action.  I have to close one nostril with my finger, then blow, and hopefully a tad of that crap will release and slither out into the tissue.  I must repeat his process over and over and over again to gain a little relief.  But just when I think I'm slowly returning to some degree of health, the other nostril fills up with that junk and I'm screwed.

How to get rid of the common cold that is anything but COMMON when I'm the one suffering with it?  Well, by all means, get dressed, put on my winter wear and drive to the nearest pharmacy.  Of course, while in the car, I'm hacking, sneezing, and can't breathe at all.  Passing out behind the wheel before I reach my destination is a real possibility. Hell, dying in a car accident at this point seems heavenly compared to what this damn cold is doing to me.

I go into the drugstore and find the cold remedy aisle.  If I took the time to count all the bottles, tablets, gels, caplets, and syrups that are there, I'd probably fall over and not be found until Spring.  Perhaps the best solution compared to anything offered on the shelves.  Matter of fact I'm sure of it!

So I grab something that promises relief from sore throat, persistent coughing, nasal stuffiness and constant sneezing.  WOW, I've hit the mother lode! I pay a pile of cash and head out the door with a light-hearted feeling that very soon my cold will be history.

Once home, I swallow three times the recommended dose and wait.  Nothing happens.  In less than two hours, I down four times the recommended dose and wait.  Still nothing.  Finally, in utter desperation, I drink the rest of the foul-tasting crap and wait.  NOTHING!

After four more long days of sheer torture, I begin to see a dim light at the end of the tunnel.  My sneezing has subsided, my coughing is less, the mucous is now back to a clear substance, and no more sore throat.

Seven days of pure agony.  Nothing I did or could have done helped in any way shape or form to reduce the pain.  But finally, my damn cold is gone.  And believe me, nothing was COMMON about it! 

A note to the medical profession:  When you don't have the answer to a physical ailment, just say so.
But, please don't just give it a title like the COMMON COLD and wash your hands of it!  Although washing my hands continually probably would have been the answer to my COMMON COLD in the first place!

Happy New Year, everybody!